Patience and Understanding

For the last few weeks, families have been talking to us about a variety of their children's behavior issues, particularly temper tantrums, and how  best to manage them at home. In the classroom, we are also coincidentally seeing the children feeling more comfortable with us, and as a result, testing their (our?) limits. In refreshing my own thoughts and thinking about 3-year-old behavior, I thought this might be a good time to share with you some of what we are doing in the classroom to manage challenging behaviors.

It took me a couple of weeks to think about what I wanted to share. The reason is a personal one. As you know, I, too, am a parent of a 3-year-old. As you started coming to us for advice, my son, as if on cue, began exploring his independence. He didn't want to go to bed. He didn't want to get out of the bathtub. He didn't want to eat dinner. My "patience" was being tested not only at school but also at home.  How could I write about this subject when, I, too, was experiencing many of the same challenges?

Research and "best practices" tell us that children need consistency, structure, boundaries, and love. In my own situation, my day-care provider, Tutu, went on a week-long trip, and my son stayed home with my mother during that time. My mom is a typical grandmother who loves to spoil her only grandson. Two days after Tutu came home, my mom left on a trip. My son's structure and boundaries were rocked! Even though my son was receiving lots of love, I was the only consistent factor. I came to realize that perhaps part of his unpredictable behaviors were surfacing because I wasn't giving him moments when he felt that he had my fullest attention. I needed to find moments when my focus was on him, moments when I was clear on what the boundaries were and was providing him consistency that was shaped within a structure or routine.

Your children are experiencing similar situations at school. They have a new school and teachers to get used to. They also have new routines and rules at school to follow. Their familiarity with routines has been turned upside down as they try to make sense of this new environment and the new community that they are now a part of.

As for our discipline methods in the classroom, Ms. Leigh, Ms. Laura, and I use the same "best practices" mentioned above. We try to provide consistency, boundaries, structure, and lots of love. We realize that many of the children are experiencing their first social interactions outside their families and that children need to learn how to interact with one another. One way we provide consistency and structure is to teach them social words to use. Some children need help when entering play with others, such as asking "May I build with you?" instead of grabbing a toy from a classmate. If a child wants to play with a toy that another is using, we encourage them to ask, "May I play with it after you're done? In how many minutes?" Even though the children can't tell time, we try to follow through and remind the children when it is time to share.

When children get frustrated, they may react by hurting another child. We've read books like Hands are Not for Hitting, which give positive ideas for what to do with hands and feet besides hurting a friend. A key phrase from the book that we use is "Hands are not for hitting. Hitting hurts." We've also taught the children to say, "I don't like it when you ___(hit me). It makes me ___(mad)." We constantly remind them to "use their words" instead of crying or hurting someone as well as give them the words to use.

We never force a child to say "I'm sorry." We ask the child to check in with the child they hurt by asking "Are you okay? What can I do to make you feel better?" The consistency of word choice by all three teachers empowers the children by letting them know that they can speak up for themselves. If that doesn't  work, we remind them that they can always ask a teacher for help. At age three, children are starting to realize that other people have feelings - we try to help them see the effects that their actions have.

The children have adjusted well to our rhythm of our day. The transitions at drop-off are getting better as the children are realizing that school is a great place to be and that Mom and Dad will be back to pick them up. The most challenging day tends to be Monday, when the children need to readjust from home to school routines. The structure that school provides sometimes is the closest to a routine that children experience, as our personal lives can be very busy.

As for boundaries, we let the children know our expectations - that what we are asking them to do is not a choice. They can either do it by themselves or we will do it with them. This pertains to everything from opening their snacks to cleaning up the materials they use.

Finally, we love your child. There isn't a day that goes by without a special moment that touches our hearts. We've embraced your child as our own and want to nurture their sense of wonder, well-being, and belonging in our learning community. In the same respect, you have become a big part of our world. We appreciate the time you take to talk to us about your child and family. Letting us know about changes in your child's life helps us to understand if there is a change in their behavior at school.

There is so much more about children and their behavioral development to explore. We have started a collection of articles. Please feel free to borrow the binder by the couch. We hope to see you Tuesday, October 9th, 5:30 p.m., at the Parenting Solutions Workshop, whose focus is communicating with your child.

As teachers of young children, we often hear, "Wow! You must be very patient!" We might not be any more patient than anyone else, but we do have a good understanding of the behaviors of young children. The children are, for the most part, exhibiting typical three-year-old behavior. We hope this has provided at the very least, some new words to use with your child. Before you know it, your child will be a pre-teen, but that is my other child's story, for another day...By the way, Tutu just left yesterday (Thursday) on another trip and Monday is a holiday - hopefully, my son's routine will stabilize soon!

Thanks for reading about our journey.
Ms. Iris, Ms. Leigh and Ms. Laura

Posted on October 5, 2007 1:23 PM | Permalink